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Maverick22, March 2, 2009 in The Humour Mill
Have to say though, things could be worse. We could indeed have Mugabe as a leader so I'm very thankful I'm not a citizen of Africa.
GND, Mugabe couldn't make a much worse job of the economy as Gollum and Darling have done.
I hear that "quantitative easing" is the latest buzz-term in banking circles. It's the feeling directors & traders get in their guts when they see the price of their shares falling.
How do you keep blonde Essex Girl busy for hours.
Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist who didn't believe in dog?
An old biker rides into a small village in North Wales, parks his cycle by the entrance and walks into the bar. He sees a sign hanging on a peg wich says, Ham Sandwich £2, Chicken Sandwich £3-50, Cheeseburger £4-00, Hand Job £50. He looks in his wallet to see if he has sufficent money and walks up to the bar where the young, busty, gorgeous barmaid is standing. She says ''Can I help you old timer'', he says, ''Are you the barmaid that gives the hand Job'', she replied, ''I sure am'', he says, ''Well wash your hands real good, I want a Cheeseburger''.
A farmer purchased a Bull at the local market with money he had loaned from his bank. He took the Bull home but all it did was eat grass and sleep and never went near any of the cows. The Bank manager called on the farmer to see how the Banks investment was going. The farmer tells the manager that all the Bull does is eat grass and sleep. The manager suggests he call the Vet to have a look at the Bull. The Vet duly checks the bull over and gives the farmer some medication. The Bank manager calls back a week later and asks how his investment is going and did he call the Vet. The farmer tells him, the Bull went mad, serviced all his cows three times, broke through the fence and serviced his neighbours cows three times and had to be dragged off as it was keen to start over again. The Banker says, ''What did the vet give the Bull'', the farmer replies, ''Some pills'', the Banker asks, ''What were they'', the farmer replied, ''I don't know, but they tasted like chocolate''.
Mother asks 5 year old daughter what she would like for her birthday. The little girl says, ''Some clothes for those ladies on Daddy's computer that don't have any''. Nothing like your kids dropping you in it.
Once there were two brothers. The oldest one was very mischievous and naughty, the other was always well behaved. The oldest one never helped his Mother and Father, was rude, failed at school, got married three times, drank very heavily, was a serial adulterer, the younger one always helped around the house, was polite, did well at school and went to Uni, was a devoted husband and loved his children. The older brother died suddenley in his early forties. The younger brother died some 20 years later and went to heaven where he led a quiet existance. God spoke to him one day and asked how he was, he said he was fine and enjoyed being in heaven, but told God that he had not seen his brother since being here. God told him that his elder brother had led a bad life and had been sent elsewhere, to repent if that was possible. He asked God if he could see his brother to which God said he could. He looked at a glass screen and saw his brother sitting on a bench with a beer keg on one side and a glamourous blonde on the other side. The younger brother told God that it was ratherunfair that his brother had all he wanted. God replied, ''The beer keg has a hole in it, the blonde DOESN'T''. Maverick222009-07-24 15:04:21
An old Vicar was in Hospital dying from an incurable illness. He had been in there three weeks and had no visitors. The nurse asked him if he had any relatives or friends who would visit him, he told them he had no relatives and being in his 80's all his friends were dead. She felt sorry for him and asked if there was anyone he would like to be with him when he died, he replied, ''Yes, Tonly Blair and Gordon Brown''. The nurse contacted Downing Street and explained the Vicars plight. Sure enough Blair and Brown arrived at his bedside and stood either side of his bed. The nurse asked him why he wanted Blair and Brown, with his dying breath the Vicar said, ''I wanted to die like Jesus with a thief on one side of me and a rogue on the other''.
The Iranian Ambassador was visiting the USA to meet with his counterpart. At the end of the meeting President Obama appeared to shake hands with the Ambassador. The Iranian told the President that he had enjoyed his time in the USA, and could he answer one question. The President told him to ask away. The Ambassador said, ''My son loves that 'Star Trek' program, you have Chekov, a Russian, Scotty a Scotsman, Uhura who is black, Sulu who is a Jap, but you have no Muslims, Iraqis, or Lebanese in the show'', the President replies, ''Thats because it's all about the future''. Maverick222009-07-28 19:29:00
A solicitor was driving along a country lane in his Rolls Royce. He saw a man sitting at the side of the road eating grass. The solicitor stopped and asked the man why he was eating grass, he replied ''Because I am very poor and have no money for food''. The Solicitor said, ''You poor man, get in my car and I will take you to my home'', the man said, ''But my wife and six children are over there'', the Solictor said, ''Tell them to get in the car as well''. The Solicitor drives off and the man says ''You are very kind, why are you helping us'', the Solicitor replied, ''You will love it at my place, the grass is over a foot long''.
Three mid eastern women were talking in a bazaar, the first pulled out a photo and said "This is my son Mohammed, he would have been 24, but decided to be a martyr"
A group for male friends were talking about going on a fishing trip the next day, as it was Saturday. Fred asked his wife if he could go, she replied, ''No, I have jobs for you to do''. They all took the mickey, but decided to go without him. When the group arrived at the Camp Site, by the lake, Fred was already there with his tent set up, his rod and line set up, and a few cans of beer by his side. They were all surprised to see Fred and asked him how he had managed to get away for the fishing trip. ''Well '' said Fred, ''I was sitting watching TV, when my wife stepped infront of me wearing this see through negligee and said, ''Take me to the bed room and tie me to the bed, and do what ever you want''. Fred said, ''So here I am''.
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